New Girl returns and I’m so very happy! Over the summer I’ve missed Schmidt’s fast talking bougie idiosyncrasies,Nick’s lack of ambition, Jess’s fantastic hipster glasses (Where does she find them?!) and Winston – whose’ s just there, but serves his purpose. It’s the “Re-launch” of New Girl and the roommates are back in full swing!
To get things started off, Jess has overslept and is late for work. She hopes out of bed and quickly gets ready, but not before being stopped by Schmidt who needs his ass scratched. You might be asking yourself, “Why does he need help scratching his own ass?” Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because he’s wearing a giant shower diaper. Remember last season he sprained his penis? Well he’s still wearing his cast and can’t get it wet.
But his cast will soon be removed and in honor of the event, he’s going to host a “re-branding party.” The theme is to be announced at a later date, but Nick and Winston assume it will be “danger.” I’m thinking they’re probably on to something considering how predictable Schmidt can be.
Before they can get the party started, Jess gets some bad news at work. There are cutbacks and Tanya, the school principal played by the awesome Rachael Harris is forced to let go 10% of her non-tenured staff. There’s more bad news, Jess is one of them. But hey, she’s letting Jess go wearing a sombrero and gets a tiny silver top hat to take home, so Jess can’t possibly take the news that hard, can she?
Back at the apt, Schmidt’s penis cast has officially been removed and it’s time to get his “re-branding” party started! Jess comes home to let the boys know she’s been laid off, but is surprising calm about the situation. She gets to hang around the house and her boobs don’t have to go to boob jail. (Amen to that sister! My friends and I often joke about how amazing it is to come home and take off your bra. It feel good. It feel reaaalll good!)
Jess decides that since she’s got so much time on her hands, she wants to be one of Schmidt’s shot girls! However, she’s got some interference from Nick because he doesn’t think Jess has the, “Specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot.” (Oh no he didn’t!! Watch what you say Nick because we all know you’re going to be madly in love with Jess by the fourth season).
Well, Jess is going to take Nick up on his challenge and at Schmidt’s “re-branding” party she is dressed in a costume most chicks reserve for Halloween and she’s put that tiny top hat to use. (Side Note: The theme of the party is….. DANGER!) She explains to Nick, that tonight she’s going to be “Ivy who’s studying to be an actress and will sleep with you if you give her a part in a Paramount picture.” She says all of this in what I can only guess is her impression of Marilyn Monroe.
Oh look, it’s crazy Casey, played by Parker Posey. She’s a shot girl too. To a surprise to no one, Jess isn’t a very good shot girl. But, darn it, she’s giving it her best shot. (See what I did there?) After getting “yelled” at by Nick, she decides to dance on the bar. But, realizes, it’s not who she is and leaves the party.
Nick sees her leaving and somehow realizes she’s going to sulk in front of school she was just fired from and he follows her there. I swear this always amazes me about television. How characters always seem to know where other characters are going. When you’re having a bad day and take off, do your friends or significant other just mysteriously show up where you are, without so much as a phone call? I don’t get it. Anyway, they have a sweet heart-to-heart which makes me want to see them get together sooner rather than later.
Other things that happen during the episode: Schmidt finally sees Cece face to face after dumping her last summer. We learn that she hasn’t returned any of his phone calls. Well, duh! You dumped her because you were insecure about yourself and she was falling in love with you. What was a huge shock to Schmidt and I’ll admit to myself, was what her new boyfriend Robbie looked like. Cece went from dating hot model dudes to a guy ANY girl would turn down. Guurl, what game are you playin’ here?
In reference to Schmidt’s utter confusion and in an effort to win Cece back, he pulled out what it was he had “up his sleeve” and it’s playing with fire. Didn’t we learn not to do this in the 3rd grade? He freaks out, rightfully so… because he can’t stop himself from twirling the fire chains and warns people they may want to begin exiting the building. A few people run for their lives, but most stay and watch. I definitely would have been part of the few to flee. After Schmidt and Cece have a post break up chat, she explains that her new BF is “just a nice guy” and that Schmidt “will be fine.”
“He’s working with a real piece of pipe.” — While trying to figure out what Cece see’s in her new boyfriend.
“It’s definitely real fire. I’m very apologetic. I think everyone should leave.” — Again, why didn’t more people run for their lives?
On the “Katie” episode, Jess has been out of work for a week and has decided to just role with it. She’s even making breakfast for the roommates. Jess follows Nick to work, because she’s a girl without a job and can drink wine at 11am in the morning if she wants to. She’s charmingly flirting with two of Nick’s co-workers. One’s a hottie and one is, well, not. After they leave Jess decides that she wants to spend all of her free time boning the hottie and asks Nick to give him her phone number. At this point of the show, it’s very clear Nick has made the wrong assumption on who Jess wants to have the sex with and he’s going to give her number to the short fat dude. Oh well!
Meanwhile Schmidt and Winston are back at the loft and Winston announces his mom and sister are in town for a visit. This brings up Schmidt’s concern because he doesn’t think Winston’s mom likes him. According to Schmidt, Historically speaking, [he’s] like cat nip to tough talking African-American women. “It’s cause I don’t front – Na mean.” Schmidt bumps into Winston’s hot sister who’s now a pro basketball player in their kitchen and decides he wants to have sex with her. She’s not giving it up so he wants to play for sex. She wins!
Jess is still having a morning drink when the dude from Bent mistakes her for a girl named “Katie.” He’s tall, hot and has a great set of hair so Jess decides to go with it. They talk for a little while and then begin to mall each other at a table which leads to the best sex of Jess’s life. Good for you gurl! A hottie who knows how to lay it down! The only problem Jess is having is that he thinks her name is Katie. Oh wait, make that two problems because one of Nick’s co-workers has texted Jess and she wants to juggle two men. Can she do it? Men have been playing women for centuries, can Jess date and sleep with two guys at once. Jess invites who she thinks is the hot one over to the loft, but the short fat one shows up much to Jess’s surprise but not to the viewers at home. She’s too nice a person to kick him out, even though that’s really what she wants to do. UNTIL, she gets a call from the “best sex” of her life and rushes out to go have sex with him in a bathroom.
Things don’t end well here, because she gets caught having sex in the bathroom by the date she just left, the hottie who she really wanted her number to be given to and Nick. Hot Bent dude learns her name isn’t really Katie. Just when things look like she’s going to miss out on more sexy time with Bent dude, he shows up at her apartment and tells her he doesn’t’ care what her name is because he doesn’t really want to get to know her, just continue to have hot sex!
Here are my picks for the “Schmidtisms” of the night:
“Jess, I believe the word you’re looking for is frittata.”
“Good, good, cause “Very impressive, pro ball. Women’s pro, but still”
“Charmin, Charmin! The loft just became Big Mama’s house!”
“Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this prison?” — This one causes Schmidt to put cash in the douche bag jar, which has gotten very full. When are they going to divide that money up?