Happy Tuesday! “Happy Endings” returns tonight on ABC

Happy Endings returns to ABC tonight! I for one CAN NOT wait. This comedy is quick, funny, and “AH-mazing,” all around one of the best comedies on television right now! In honor, of all the funny this show has to offer I’ve gathered SOME the best quotes from the first 2 seasons. Be sure to catch the premiere of season 3 tonight at 9|8c.
Here is a list of some of my favorite quotes in no particular order:
“Secrets and Limos”
The Code War”
It’s Miss Jackson if you’re Va-nasty!
Penny [about Dave’s perm]: You like Keri Russell after she ruined Felicity. (Only because of my beloved Felicity reference)
“Full Court Dress”
Brad: My smoothie budget is out of control. Daddy don’t do domestic papaya!
Penny [to Max]: What’s wrong? Did you push the Qtip in too far again? – I’ve actually done this. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.
Max: TV really is nature’s babysitter.
The Shrink, the Dare, Her Date and Her Brother”
Seriously I got stuck with the check again? What’s the point of having white friends?
Brad: Dude I need your help.
Max: Alright but it’s gonna cost you.
Brad: You owe me eight thousand dollars.
“Makin Changes”
Brad: No no no no I don’t do drills or shots, I can’t do pain, ok? Give me the goof juice, just give me the goof juice and don’t be bashful, put me under, put me all the way under. I won’t get mad if I make in my pants. Seriously I won’t sue if I poo.
“The St. Valentine’s Day Maxssacre”
I just blew a threesome.
Penny: Two V’s and one D? Or two D’s and one V?
Everybody Loves Grant”
This is not the time for jokes guys. Especially when this is the fattest I’ve ever been. How could you let me out of the house looking this fat?
The Butterfly Effect Effect”
Penny: The pinot and the pants are flowing, the brie is a-baking, it’s time to stop waiting and start exhaling.
Jane: Sorry we’re late, Brad insisted on a Brazilian which takes longer than his usual bikini wax.
“Cocktails & Dreams”
Dave: Whore’s bath?
Penny: Ah yeah David, I did take a whore’s bath okay? I had a one night stand  and didn’t have time to shower so did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did.
“The Kerkovich Way”
Brad [about Meryl Streep]: I love when Mer-bear let’s herself laugh.
“Party of Six”
Brad: He’s talking about his Batman and Throbbin.’
“You Snooze, You Bruise”
Alex: Dave doesn’t realize that by running his mouth, snitches get stitches.
Max: You should watch the gay history channel.
Dave: That’s a real thing?
Derek: Yeah it’s called Bravo.
“Big White Lies”
Max [to Penny]:
You’re not the only one who’s good at this game Emily Thorne.
Max [about Dave]: He was threatening to blow up this whole operation so I had to go ghost prots on him.
Alex: I’m Ellen. I feel like if I’m gonna be a lesbian I might as well go straight to the top!
Alex: This is gonna be so much. I’m gonna get a penis shaped cake and a penis pinata.
Penny: It’s a baby shower, not a bachelorette party.
Alex: Right right, OK what kind of penis stuff should I get?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral (Minus Three Weddings and One Funeral)”
Look at me 2 hours ago I wasn’t even in this wedding and now I run this bitch.

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