GAME OF THRONES // Valar Dohaeris

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After what seems like AGES … the most Epic show on Television is finally back.  Game of Thrones’ Season 3 opener had a lot to live up to after the monumental end of Season 2.  Did tonight’s episode blow my mind? No.  Was it better than half the episodes from last season? No.  Did it get me hella excited for what’s to come in season 3? Yes.  Let’s get to it.

BEYOND THE WALL

We open tonight exactly where we left off in the season 2 finale.  Charlie is running frantically through the blizzard looking for someone to help him find safety.  Just when he thinks he found help we see it’s a fresh dead corpse holding its own head … 0_0 Then along comes a White Walker … which might I add looks like the ancestors of the zombie’s from The Walking Dead – there may be some correlation there.  Charlie, of course, falls down within reach of the White Walker’s death claws but he’s saved in the nick of time by his fellow Knight Watchers.  They quickly begin their journey back to the wall so they can warn everyone that winter is days away from striking.

Meanwhile, our favorite bastard, John Snow is off with Ygritte headed to the Wildling’s camp to hang out with giants.  She takes him directly to their leader Mance Rayder because he’s the only one who can grant him entrance into this VIP club.  The King Beyond The Wall knows exactly who John Snow is … which always surprises me.  Why is it that everyone in the world knows who he is but no one knew who any of Robert Baratheon’s bastards were.  Anyways, John Snow gets his entrance once he explains to Mance that he wants to be a part of the army who’s fighting for the living.  In other words … all this wintery mix the White Walkers are bringing is giving people Bronchitis “..ain’t nobody got time for that!”  I’m interested to see if Mance Rayder allows John Snow to become the hero he wants to be, and the hero we all want him to be.  Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

DRAGONSTONE

Lord Davos is stranded on an island with a smoke monster and a volleyball when he’s saved by a pirate ship captained by one of his homies from back in the day.  The Pirate Captain informs Davos that Stannis Baratheon has gone insane and under the spell of Melisandre is throwing men into a fire pit and watching this burn alive.  A normal person would stay away from Dragonstone.  A normal person would chill on the pirate ship and eat shrimp and play dominos.  Lord Davos, however, begs to go back to Dragonstone because of his undying loyalty to Stannis and because he believe he can talk some sense into him #foolish.  Once there, what happens is exactly what we all knew what going to happen. Davos popped off on Stannis and disrespected Melisandre and got thrown into the dungeon.  She even had the nerve to say the reason they lost the battle was because Davos convinced his king to leave her there … smh … This was all was his own fault, should’ve stayed on that boat.  What I NEED is for Stannis to get it together immediately though.  This woman in red is clearly the wife of Satan … no good is going to come from any of this.

HOUSE OF STARK

We only saw the Stark’s for a moment but I can’t lie, I cheered when Robb Stark popped up on the screen.  He and clan, including his boo Talisa, returned to Winterfell to witness its brutal beating.  Nothing good could be said about this tragedy, so the dialogue was real short here.  Through all of this Robb was still able to muster up the energy to throw Lady Stark in a jail cell.  ugh.  Me and Talisa are over it.  I understand that he has to act like a King if he wants to be King and that means even reprimanding his own mother, but I think he needs to come up with a better solution.  No one wants to see Catelyn Stark locked up!  Even Obama would figure out a way to handle Michelle’s Auntie if she murdered someone.  I bet she wouldn’t be in no one’s prison!  On a high note, Robb & Talisa really do make a cute couple.  I’m here for that.  I imagine that family he was promised to will have some different thoughts on the matter.

KING’S LANDING

There’s a lot going on in King’s Landing in the aftermath of the Black Water Battle.  Tyrion Lannister is hauled up living in someone’s broom closet after getting fired and then replaced by Daddy Lannister.  He’s clearly hurt up by it all and schedules a meeting with Tywin.  Once he’s able to get his father to stop ignoring him he tells him that with Jamie out of the picture he is the rightful heir to Casterly Rock and he wants it.  His father verbally spits in his face and gives him the longest no of life.  Not only does he tell Tyrion his killed his mother to get into the world, he calls him an “ill-made spiteful little creature.”  I shrieked.  If that weren’t enough he says he’ll hang Shae if he ever catches them together again.  Poor Tyrion, he just wants his daddy to pick him up and hug him … literally.

Since Shae can’t spend anytime with Tyrion she’s hanging out with Sansa playing the imaginary boat game.  They have a quick visit from Littlefoot and his “associate.”  Sansa is still trying to escape and footLittle all but assures her he’ll be able to help.  Somehow she heard something positive in that conversation though.  More important is that Lord Baylish’s homegirl told Shae to keep and extra eye out for Sansa when it comes to Littlefoot.  Ya think?! That fool can’t be trusted!!

Speaking of fools … the worst person on the planet Joffrey is riding [around and gettin’ it] through the town when all of the sudden Margaery stops the procession and gets out.  She has decided to pay an impromptu visit to the orphanage … while the “King” fearfully sits in his cage.  I must say, I’ve always liked Margaery because she does what she needs to do.  She bamboozled her way to Joffrey and something tells me she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.  I enjoyed her exchanges with the orphans and I do think she was being very genuine there.  If anyone, she’ll be one to get the townspeople to love their “King” again.  Quite the clever and calculating girl, she knew it was important for Joffrey to see her in this Michelle Obama role.  Now all she needs is some bangs.

Bangs or not … if there’s one person who’s not showing any love to the Terrell’s it’s Cersei.  She knows that Joffrey is more than smitten by Margaery and no matter how much shade Cersei through at her during dinner the “King” continued to play her.  He even had the nerve to call her old and simple.  Cersei’s about the only person I don’t mind Joffrey being mean to.  She’s like Betty Draper, as soon as you start to feel sorry for her she does something to remind you why you hated her in the first place.

DAENERYS

If there was one person I was excited to have back in my life tonight it was The Mother of Dragons.  Her Dragons are up and flying and eating and frolicking in the water, but they’re not growing quickly enough so she needs an army!  She travels to the Unsullied to see their “army of slaves.”  I first must say that the salesman is one of the most disrespectful men ever and I hated the fact he made Kalessi look dumb in front of him since she didn’t know what he was saying.  I’m hoping they find a way to have her put him in his place.  Either way, she needs an army and he’s selling one … 8 thousand to be exact.  What did all 8 thousand men do to start training for this army?  They each killed a newborn in front of its mother to assure their humanity had done an exit stage left.  If that weren’t enough, they can’t make babies because their testicles are gone and every now and again their nipple may be cut off just to test that re-confirm that tear ducts don’t work.  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!  I just hope they don’t turn on Daenerys or anything because they sound a bit crazy.  Still, at the end of the day she’s going to need the craziest army possible to take by the throne.  In a nod to even more luck, Lord Barristan Selmy has tracked her down and sworn himself into her Queensguard … he even proved himself by saving her for one of the little girls from The Ring.  Let’s just hope it wasn’t a cruel April Fools’ joke.

QUOTABLE QUOTES

“We have to warn them … before winter’s done, everyone you’ve ever known will be dead.” – Leader of the Knight’s Watch

“You’re a clever man but you’re not half as clever as you think you are,” says Cersei.  Tyrion responds, ” Still makes me more clever than you.”

“I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock.” – Tywin Lannister

“Luckily for us Terrell’s our blood runs quite warm.” – Margaery

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