…. IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW! Game of Thrones is BACK with a vengeance. So much went down last night. Let’s get right into it.
Now I’ve been yelling for ages that our dear Khaleesi was a bad mother-shut-yo-mouth. How can you not love this woman!?! To see how far she’s grown from a frightened young girl at the beginning of season 1 to the powerful woman she is today. It’s amazing. Moving along … it’s late in the episode when we’re finally told what the “Walk of Punishment” actually is. It’s with Daenerys in Astapor that we see the countless number of men put on a bloody display in the last days of their life. The
not really quite innocent and naive Khaleesi attempts to give one of these men some water … because for some reason a few sips of water will save his life on the spot? Since the man knew it wasn’t Holy water from 1st Baptist Church he turned it away. Though a bit disgusted, Daenerys still plans to acquire the slave soldiers and Jorah agrees. Ser Barristan on the other hands does not agree and thinks she should get some sellswords instead … but we all know who the Queen B is in this exchange. Daenerys goes back to the most disrespectful slave trader in all the world and tells him she wants all 8,000 Unsullied AND the boys still in training … so she can save them from having their nipples and testicles cut off. Slave Trader ain’t having it but then Daenerys offers him a DRAGON … what?! yes … a DRAGON! Slave Trader pops on up and they agree to he’ll get the biggest dragon and she’ll get everything she wants, including his pretty girl assistant as a “gift.” I would bet my left nipple that Daenerys is leaving Astapor will the entire army, all the boys in training, all THREE of her dragons and the Slave Trader’s blood splattered in the streets. Khalessi is the mother of dragons … ain’t no way she’s gonna let them go. And even if she tried … ain’t no way the dragons are going to leave her. She’s got something up her sleeve and I can’t wait to see it play out. I’m also highly convinced that she knew exactly what that disrespectful Slave Trader was saying. The smirk on her face was too pompous during the haggling session. Plus she’s the daughter of royalty, she probably knows all the languages of the seven kingdoms. Also interesting will be how the relationship between Jorah & Barristan plays out … they clearly don’t agree on much.
We spent a little more time this week with the Stark family as they laid Granddaddy Hoster Tully to rest. Well … at least we tried to. Robb’s Uncle Edmure tries his best to adhere to tradition by shooting his arrow and lighting his father’s body on fire as it floats out to sea. This fool misses not once, not twice, but three times !!! I need for him to immediately go to District 12 and take some training lessons with Katniss Everdeen. Thankfully, Hoster’s brother Blackfish was there to step in and get the job done. Later, Robb has a meeting with his Uncles and points out how the dimwitted one messed up his entire plan by not following directions. As a result they lost hundreds of men and gained two Lannister cousins who haven’t even hit puberty yet. Catelyn soon after breaks down after her father’s death … half the tears for her old man and the other half for her two little boys whom she’s afraid she’ll never see again. Meanwhile in the woods, Arya and the Baratheon bastard are preparing for a trip with Gendry and the gang. Hot Pie has decided he’s staying though … after watching so many episodes of Chopped and Cupcake Wars he’s decided he wants to be Guy Fieri and starts by baking bread. Arya says the bread is good though so I guess he made a good decision.
Lord Tywin calls a small council meeting … made up of Baelish, Pycelle, Varys and Tyrion. Oh … and then Cersei comes in. Being the little brat she is she dramatically drags her chair all the way across the room to see right in her Daddy’s lap #eyeroll. Tyrion then one ups her by dragging his chair to the other head of the table … take that Queen! Daddy Lannister first demands to know why no one has found his some Jamie … no answers. Next on the agenda: Littlefoot gets to marry Lysa Arryn. If you don’t remember her she’s Catelyn Stark’s sister who was breastfeeding her 11-year-old son and held Tyrion captive for a few episodes in season 1. Lord Baelish really cleaned up with her. Lastly, Tyrion is made the new Master of Coin. He’s obviously not amused or excited but it’s better than sitting up in his room (back here thinkin’ ’bout you) … he soon finds out that the Kingdom is in debt, a lot of it. I’m sure he’ll concoct some awesome plan to fix all of that. Then for one of the coolest parts of the episode, Tyrion gives Little Podrick three prostitutes just for being awesome … and I must say Pod got the pick of the litter. When he’s done he reports back to Tyrion and Bronn that the ladies enjoyed themselves so much that they wouldn’t take his money. I want to personally say I’m upset with the executive producers for not extending that scene and letting us know what the hell happened in that room !!!
THEON … STANNIS … & NORTH OF THE WALL
Ok. Let me first say that Theon Greyjoy is a horrible person. I honestly think he probably deserved to get raped … I also got caught off guard because I didn’t know those things were going on in the seven kingdoms. Was that man gay? Or is it like a known punishment that if you get caught you just might get raped. I wasn’t ready for that. So thankfully he was saved by some man because “..winter is coming, and you’re a long way from home..” All in all, I just want Theon to do better in life. He’s had so many second chances so if he messes this one up too and does something else horrible … I’m done with him for good.
Stannis is a fool. The biggest fool of them all to be exact. Now, I’m not sure where this story is going but it could be that The Woman in Red is actually the real deal and everything she’s saying is true. Now … I feel like that’s not what’s going to happen but we’ll see. Anyways, she’s up to something and is headed off on a trip but won’t tell Stannis where she’s going. Even worse, Stannis basically dry humps her and asks her to give him another son and she shoots him down quicker than the LAPD. Even though he’s the Lord of Light, his “fire burns low.” Maybe she’s taking a trip to get some viagra?
North of the wall Mance and Jon Snow and crew reach the area that Orell visioned last week. But there’s no dead crows … there’s only a crop circle made out parts of horses #gross. Mance orders them to climb the wall and wait for his signal … CLIMB THE WALL?!?! Do they have the tools necessary to climb that big ass wall?!?! This is not Vertical Limit and none of them are Chris O’Donnell. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s ordered Jon Snow to be thrown off the wall if he’s not deemed useful. Elsewhere the men left alive in the Night’s Watch wind back at Craster’s place. Poor Sam witnesses the birth of a baby boy … smh. That’s not gonna turn out too well.
THE EVOLUTION OF JAMIE
None of us have ever liked Jamie … right? Is it because we’ve always been so pro-Stark that everything he’s ever done has just been an abomination? Well apparently there’s two sides to every story, and person. Now we’re all turning a bit pro-Jamie as he seemingly becomes a friend, confidant and advocate to and for our lovely Brianne. His slick tongue and clever words were good enough to save Brianne’s lady parts but in the end … they weren’t enough to save his hand. CHOP! that man CHOPPED his right hand off. The chili cheese frito’s I had in my mouth started to fall to the ground because it was wide open. Daddy Lannister is not going to be happy about this … Jamie’s days of sword fighting are over.
“..throw him off the wall, see if crows can fly..” – Mance referring to Jon Snow
“..go tell her she can bite down on a rag or bite down on my fist..” – Craster responding to one of his daughters during childbirth
“I WANT JOFFREY DEAD!” – Stannis
“..in wars darkest days in, in most parts of the world absolutely nothing is happening..” – Blackfish
“I’m not a Stark of Winterhel,” says Hot Pie. “It’s Winterfell,” responds Arya. “You sure? … I’m sure.”
“You’re here to advise me and I value your advice, but if you ever question me in front of strangers again you’ll be advising someone else. Do you understand?” – Daenerys
“HE WAS NOT THE LAST DRAGON!” – Daenerys referring to her brother