GAME OF THRONES // Kissed by Fire

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It’s time for our weekly round of Game of Thrones.  In tonight’s episode love was in the air!  Boo’s were coming out the woodworks from every which a’way.  Let’s just get right into it.

STARK: ARYA

Arya is grown !!! If there was any question of that before tonight it’s been set it full stone.  She had a front row seat to the fight between Beric and Hound … and it’s much better than some of the fights that were on pay-per-view this past weekend.  Beric cuts himself with his sword and then lights it on fire with his blood … clearly, this wasn’t a fair fight at all.  For a while it looks like Beric has The Hound on his knees and the brotherhood and Arya couldn’t be happier.  But then the Hound fires back at him and basically slices his shoulder off … devastated.  Thoros immediately falls upon him like Sister Mable did at her granddaddy’s funeral praying to the Lord of Light to bring him back to life.  Just when I opened my mouth to call him a fool Beric is alive !!! #gasp I guess the Lord of Light is the real deal.  Arya is pissed and goes after The Hound herself, and I bet had they not grabbed her up she would’ve slit his throat in a split second.  Beric keeps his deal and let’s Clegane go on his way.  Also leaving soon will be Arya … Thoros informs her that he’s taking her to Riverrun to be rejoined with Robb & Lady Stark, I can’t wait for that reunion!  When Beric joins them by the fire he recounts that 5 other times he’s been brought back to life.  Arya asks “..could you bring back a man without a head? Not 6 times just once..” and I immediately get a lump in my throat.  I miss Ned toooooo Arya!  Not joining them on their journey to Riverrun is Gendry who’s decided to stay and join the brotherhood because he’s tired of serving folks.  It’s just not Arya’s day because then professes his love to her … letting the big elephant in the room run back to the jungle.  Lady Arya has shaped up to be one of mine, and probably your, favorite characters.  I think out of all of the Stark children she’s the one that acts the most like her father … and I really want her to be the one who kills Joffrey whenever it happens.

STARK: ROBB

There’s something that Robb Stark wants everyone to know … don’t fuck with the King of the North!  After the little Lannister boys were murdered by Lord Karstark and his crew, they’re brought before Robb and are utterly disrespectful.  I was wondering how the King of the North was going to react but he’s not playing games tonight.  He orders everyone to die and personally beheads Lord Karstark … against the advice of everyone in his inner circle.  In doing so he loses half his army.  While looking at a 3-dimensional map with his boo he gets the idea to ambush Casterly Rock.  How will he do it?  Oh he’ll just ask the help of Lord Frey … the guy who’s daughter he was supposed to marry but decided to fuck him over instead.  I’m sure that conversation will go over quite well.

STARK: JON SNOW

He’ll always be a Stark … get it right.  Anyways, Jon Snow knows something about the wall but he’s not telling anyone.  He better watch it back because if they find out he’s hiding something it’s going to be drama.  Thankfully he’s got someone on his side, and her name is Ygrette.  She steals his sword, runs into a conveniently hidden cave 5 feet away, and drops all her clothes on the ground.  She challenges him to throw his virginity out the window and like any boy above the age of 13 he literally jumps at the chance.  He also apparently invented cunnilingis.  I want to point out that every girl I know that watches Game of Thrones was cheering at the fact to finally see Jon Snow naked … smh, this is not True Blood.  Also off topic, the hot tub they were bathing in looked bomb, I would definitely get all up in there with my Irish Spring.  Once they’ve gone at it a couple times, Ygritte confesses her love to mister Snow and her hopes to stay and live in the cave for the next 20 years.  

 KINGSLAYER

Well the Kingslayer’s life is getting a tad bit better these days.  He and Brienne are delivered to Lord Bolton and get to rest for a bit.  Upon arrival Bolton scolds Jaime for not checking his email and brings him up to speed on the happenings in King’s Landing.  He even toys with him for a bit and let’s him think his sister wife might be dead … by the time he tells him Cersei is alive and well Jaime’s already fallen out from the stress of it all.  Once he’s awake he’s sent to the medic to get his arm situation get taken care of.  It’s one of the grossest scenes ever and I don’t even really want to talk about it.  So I’ll keep it moving.  After that he joins Lady Brienne for a bath.  The sexual tension there between them is sky high!  Once he’s in the tub he tells the story of why he slayed the Mad King.  *clears throat* After the king had gone on a rampage setting people on fire he ordered Jaime to kill his own father and return with his head.  Jaime couldn’t do it so he slayed the king instead, saving his father and the millions of innocent people he wanted dead … thus becoming the Kingslayer.  That’s when Ned Stark walked in on him and rather than trying to state his case he allowed Ned and everyone to jump to the natural conclusion.  Just when he’s about to pass out Brienne rests his head on her naked bosom.  Now that they have a truce and they’ve seen each other at their emotionally & physically naked … they’ve obviously gonna fall in love right?  You already know Cersei ain’t having it.

STANNIS

So.  Stannis has a crazy ass wife.  I’m confused as to whether she’s locked up or not but it seems like she might me, but I don’t ever remember seeing her at before this episode.  He visits her to confess about his relationship with the Red Woman … but she already knows and couldn’t be more excited!  She’s crunk that he’s found a new vagina to impregnate because she couldn’t give him any sons.  How do we know?  She has the baby bodies in jars sitting on her window seal … she must the the great great great aunt of the governor from The Walking Dead.  Then, after Selyse advises against it, Stannis goes to visit his daughter.  When we meet the sweet young Shireen we see half her face is disfigured a bit … it kind of looks like a bad burn but could also be dragon scales, i’m not sure yet.  She’s happy to see her father but also wants to know where Uncle Davos is.  Her dad bluntly tells her he’s locked away in the dungeon for treason and she should forget about him.  Later that night she runs down to see Ser Davos in his cell to deliver him a book and once she finds out he can’t read she decides to be his personal hooked on phonics.  I love her.  Stannis needs to spend more time with her !!! Maybe he wouldn’t be so damn crazy and make horrible decisions.

KING’S LANDING

Once again this week Cersei is hating on the Tyrell’s.  She has no intention to letting anyone become more powerful than her and it’s quite obvious that after Joffrey marries Margaery she’s out of the picture.  She meets with Lord Baelish and tells him to get on his inspector gadget and find out some information.  Meanwhile, Tyrion meets with grandmama Olenna asking for money to pay for the Royal Wedding.  After she points out that the Tyrell’s have basically given them countless amounts of men, money & goods … she agrees to pay for half the wedding … I’m sure it’ll be in Tyrion’s best interests to not forget about this favor.  At the same damn time, Marg & Sansa are having a girls day and watching hot guys sword fight … they’re like the girls who are chillin on the fence watching the boys in the hood play basketball.  While they were giggling about their future plans they missed Olyver roll up on Loras … fast forward to them rolling around in bed getting it in.  Olyver ain’t no ordinary hoe either, he apparently has been with everyone’s husband and can spot them out from a mile away … hide your husbands !!!  Loras didn’t stand a chance.  Unfortunately Olly works for Little Finger and reports everything back to him.  Petyr immediately runs to Sansa and confuses her even more by re-extending his offer for her to come to Casterly Rock with him … GO SANSA! That’s where Robb is going !!! Who knows what she’s going to do – or try to.  In the most ABSURD scene of the night … The Lannister’s have a meeting to discuss their secret plot.  Tywin has decided that Sansa is the key to Winterfell and cannot be handed over to Tyrell’s … instead she’s to marry Tyrion (WHAT?!?!?!) and Cersei is to marry Loras (WHAT?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!). Ugh.  This is so much.  There’s no way in HELL this is going to happen.  I can’t even foresee so I don’t even want to spend too much brain energy thinking about it.  At the end of the day Tywin definitely has his children under his thumb, but I think this in the last straw.  Cersei & Tyrion are way too conniving and smart to let their father’s plan unfold the way he wants it to.

KHALEESI

Khaleesi and her people are on their million man march to God knows where.  How long is it going to take them to get where they’re going tho?!  They need a boat!  Also, are any of those dragon’s female?  If so I need them to get to mating.  Anyways … the most emotional scene tonight for me came when Khalessi met her new warrior chief.  When he comes forward she learns his name is Grey Worm.  The executive assistant to the Queen explains that after the warriors are “cut” they’re given new degrading names to remind them who they are and who’s they are.  Dany announces that because they are free men now they can go by any name they want to and do not have to keep their slave names.  Like a true commander … Grey Worm exclaims his name is a name that makes him proud.  The name he was born with reminds him of becoming a slave.  He’s keeping Grey Worm because that’s the name he had on the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free.  And that’s when I lost it.  I definitely had a couple tears falling down from my eyes.

MEMORABLE QUOTES

“KILL HIM!” – Ayra Stark to Beric while fighting Clegane

“Just because you want him inside you don’t make him one of us.” – to Ygritte about Jon Snow

“That one was the watcher, have him hung last so he can watch the others die.” – Robb Stark

“You wouldn’t be my family, you’d be my lady.” – Gendry to Arya

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