GAME OF THRONES // The Rains of Castamere

robb-stark

ugh.

I’ve had to take several moments to get myself together to write this recap, of what will probably be one of Game of Thrones’ most memorable and game-changing episodes.  I should preface this by saying that I have not read any of the books and while this episode made me want to, I’d rather watch the story unfold on the screen moving forward.  Anyways, let’s get to it!

KHALEESI

We find Daenerys in a meeting with Daario, Jorah, Ser Barristan & Grey Worm.  They’re discussing their plan to of taking over Yunkai.  Daario plans to roll in the back door, kill the guards and then stroll through the city to the front gates and let the rest of the army ambush the city.  Simple plan right?  Sounded fishy to me from the beginning … but since Grey Worm is down for the cause Daenerys is too.  Fast forward to that night – once inside the gates there’s many more guards to kill than they expected, but just like an episode of Power Rangers Daario, Jorah & the Worm of Grey handle it like ballers.  Just when Khaleesi starts to get a bit nervous her two commanders show up and tell her the great news of how Yunkai’s slave soldiers “..threw down their spears and surrendered..” Then after a pause that the band from Drumline could march through, Daario comes in and gives Daenerys the flag to the city. Now maybe this is me being suspicious but something didn’t seem right.  GOT does not usually throw many red herrings at us but I find it suspicious that we visually missed the entire battle, and the look on Jorah’s face when he got back to camp was equally suspicious.  Furthermore, in the promo for next weeks finale there’s only two shots used of Khaleesi: one of her with a strong look of distress, and one of her unleashing her dragons.  SOMETHING AIN’T RIGHT Y’ALL!

SNOW

For the first time in a long time Jon Snow in out of the snow.  He’s with his boo Ygritte … aka Gwen the maid who wanted to be a typist on Downton Abbey … and the crew about to ambush a farm to steal some horses.  The gang, of course, wants to kill the old man but Jon is not feeling that at all.  His convincing doesn’t work so being the smart Stark he is he hits a rock to warn the old man and give him a head start.  Then when Ygrwen tries to shoot him he looks longingly into her eyes and fucks up her shot.  When they finally corner the guy, because “dead rats don’t squeak,” Orell & Tormund think Jon should kill the guy.  For a second I actually think he’s going to do it, then I remember he’s not his brother Robb Stark.  Ygrwen scoffs in disgust and kills the guy instead.  O & T immediately use this opportunity to attack Jon & his boo … then a bunch of things happen we’ll discuss in a second that helps Jon get away.  YGRWEN IS PISSED !!!! and it doesn’t look like Jon is going back to her anytime soon.  Damn girl, see what happens when you give the man all your goodies on the 2nd date?!  She taught him all her tricks and now he’s gonna go use them with someone else.  Smh

BRAN

Now.  I’ve been saying all season that I’m tired of the Stark family being separated, and here Bran & Rickon are mere feet away from their brother and they don’t even see each other!!!  When Jon got attacked he was able to escape because Bran coincidentally discovered he’s a “warg.”  He was able to go into the minds of the animals and control them, and drove the direwolf to attack the Wildlings and kill them.  Jon almost got it himself because when he killed Orell, Orell seemed to “warg” into an eagle and the bird started clawing at Jon’s face … oh hell no !!!  don’t be coming for Jon Snow’s angelic face like that … Now that Bran knows he has powers he decides it’s time head on beyond the wall, and for the life of me I can’t recall why that’s a good decision.  He instructs Osha to take Rickon somewhere safe … and they part ways.  It’s official.  Every member of the Stark family is alone, ugh.  I will say I am picturing an awesome scene in my mind of Bran in a room full of Lannister’s and suddenly his head cocks back, eyes go white, and he gives everyone in the room a brain aneurism and they all fall over dead.  #boom

THE RED WEDDING

Right before Robby Robb and The Funky Bunch head to The Twins he reconciles with his mama by asking her  advice on how to take down Casterly Rock.  Finally !!! Their feud had gone on long enough.  Moving along …

The Stark’s finally make it to Walder Frey’s house, and man is he hospitable #eyeroll … the hors d’oeuvres on the plate that man was passing around looked like something you’d see in a dumpster behind Applebee’s.  They all line up in front of Frey and Robb gives a semi-sincere apology in hopes that Walder will fully forgive him for not marrying one of his daughters.  Speaking of his daughters, they were a homely unfortunate messy looking bunch!  Freya was kind of cute though, if she could get to a salon she’d be good to go.  Can we also discuss why two of them were named Ginia and Seila?  I feel like there’s some ghetto twins in Detroit with those same exact names.  Anyways, once all that is done it’s time for the ceremony to begin.  Walder walks down the aisle with his daughter and we’re all waiting anxiously to see which one he was going to pick for Edmure, I was sure it would be Freya … but it was some new hoe named Roslin!  We didn’t say that bitch in The Brady Bunch line up earlier in the evening but Walder must have been saving this cute in hiding one for the marriage.  For one split second Robb feels a little stupid and Frey sees him.  Edmure is ESTATIC of course … he’s got him a cute little young bride.

After the ceremony they have a very festive reception … the food looks much better here.  Everyone is crunk and happy and tipsy, and I think I even saw a group in the background doing The Wobble.  Robb & Talisa share a tender moment together, reminiscing about the birth of their own love, and Talisa decides that if they have a boy they’ll name him Eddard so Robb can “..teach little Ned how to ride horses..”  Catelyn overhears and is internally overjoyed.  Her joy immediately turns into puzzlement as she sees a guard close the doors to the hall.  At the same damn time a song begins playing, called “The Rains of Castmere.”  A look of bewilderment and discomfort comes across Catelyn’s face as the sounds echo through the room.  This song is the ultimate level of foreshadow because it’s also the theme song for House Lannister.  Lady Stark knows it, the Stark direwolf outside knows it, and more than anyone, Arya who hears it from on the other side of the gates knows it.

Just when Catelyn starts to put two and two together Walder stops the music and calls everyones attention, “I haven’t shown you the hospitality you deserve. My king was married, and I owe my new queen a wedding gift.”  As he’s talking Lady Stark and Lord Bolton share eyes and he motions to his sleeve.  Lady Stark pulls it back and reveals his chained armor.  She jumps up, smacks him, yells out to Robb … but it’s TOOOO LAAATTTEEE !!!! *SIGH* In a blink of an eye Talisa is stabbed in the stomach 4 times and arrows are flown through Robb’s flesh.  Knives are pulled out of everywhere and all of Stark men and are murdered in cold blood.  Robb finally rises to his feet and crawls over to his beloved wife and unborn son, he and I are in full devastation.  In an act of desperation Catelyn runs over and grabs Lady Frey and commands that Robb be let go or she’ll kill the girl.  Frey doesn’t give a damn … cuz he’s the devil.  Lord Bolton runs up to Robb and murders him, Lady Stark let’s out the worse scream I’ve ever heard and slits the girls throat, then 12 long seconds later … Catelyn’s throat is slit and she falls to the ground.  Then I fell on my living room floor and died.

TO MAKE EVERY MATTER WORSE … Arya was outside when it all happened.  The smile that she had on her face was the most genuine she’s had on her face since season 1 … a hope filled her soul that had been lost for so long, and in a split second it was gone again.  She tried to run inside to see if her family was okay but the Hound knocks her out and carries her away.  Then I feel on my kitchen floor and died, again.

… MY THOUGHTS

First, I know this wasn’t even the finale, this was the penultimate episode.  So who knows what the hell is going to happen next week.  I’m sure this single event will prompt major things in the coming seasons of Game of Thrones, just as the deaths of Ned, Rob & Khal Drogo.  So I’m hoping that The Red Wedding serves as major catalyst to drive Arya & Bran into becoming the people they need to be.  I’m sorry but I can’t rely on Sansa to do a damn thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if she jumped on a bridge next week.  Arya & Bran can hopefully learn from their families mistakes and build on their strengths to become the Starks we all know they can and need to be.  Until then?  Shit I don’t know.  I’m waiting for the day the Lannisters fall but I honestly think they’ll have to fall from within, and until Cersei & Tyrion stop being afraid of their father that’s not going to happen.  Also, it’ll be interesting to see if Edmure and Brynden Tully are safe.  We’ll see what happens next week!

MEMORABLE QUOTES

“..show them how it feels to lose what they love..” – Lady Stark

“..the city is yours my Queen..” – Daario

“..your King says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for firm tits and a tight fit..” – Walder Frey

“..make the Crow kill him..” – Orell

“..keep this one safe he means the world to me..” – Osha

“..a sword needs a sheath and a wedding needs a bedding..” – Walder Frey

“..Please!! PLEASE!!!!!!!” – Lady Stark

“..I’ll find another..” – Walder Frey

“..the Lannister’s send their regards..” – Lord Bolton

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