New Girl

new girlBy Funmi Sunmonu

“Quick Hardening Caulk”

Newbies, was this not one of the best episode’s of New Girl ever! I laughed out loud at every scene. Let’s just get RIGHT IN.

If anyone was scared that this show wasn’t going to deal with the Nick and Jess tension well, worry no more. It’s been nothing but a fun ride since “the kiss.” Let’s start with Schmidt and Winston.

Schmidt and Winston | Schmidt is having a very hard time dealing with the fact that Cece is getting married. Can you blame the guy? You pour your heart out to the woman you love and she basically tells you, she’s planning on marrying someone else anyway. So he’s drowning his sorrows with 4 proof liquor. Everyone else sees that Schmidt is hurting, but he’s denying it. In an effort to make him feel better, Winston takes Schmidt to an aquarium because it always makes him feel better when he’s down. Schmidt is having a good time. Especially when he sees a California Lion fish. It’s a fish that has, “Perfect curves, giant almond eyes, Carmel covered stripes and sensuous lips.” He must have it! Winston being the good friend that he is, sets out to help Schmidt on his mission to get a Lion fish. They’re illegal to own in the state of California. So they get two wet suits and set out for the beach. Schmidt thinks he sees a Lion fish and goes to grab it. Only it turns out to be a Jellyfish and Schmidt gets himself stung on the cheek. Screaming in pain, he asks Winston to pee on his face. GROSS. But Winston can’t because he just went in the ocean. Not one to not help out a friend, Winston suggest going number 2. Appropriately, Schmidt screams, “What!”

We later see Schmidt passed out in a hospital bed with Winston waiting for him to wake up. Cece stops by to check on Schmidt, but Winston kindly tells her to give him some space. Her engagement to another man is killing Schmidt and she should back off. Schmidt wakes, not realizing Cece was ever there and finally admits to the fact that he was using the fish as a metaphor for Cece.

Nick and Jess | Jess wants Nick, she wants him BAD. Nick has a new-found ambition. He’s trying at work, doing his laundry, ironing his button downs and Jessica finds it super hot. She confides in Cece and asks if it’s normal to want someone who’s bettering themselves. Deadpan Cece states, “No, no one has ever been attracted to power and success.” HA! What Jess doesn’t know is that Nick is getting all responsible for his hot new boss, Shane. Part of his new work ethic is throwing a “guy’s night” at the bar. Nick asks Jess to take him to the hardware store so he can get some supplies for the bar. This trip is the best part of the episode. Let’s go through the list of the supplies Nick needed at the hardware store. Warning sexual innuendos, galore: Long shafted drive drill, New nut wrentch, Quick hardening caulk and Lube for drill shaft. Jess is so turned on by Nick she ends up knocking herself out with a large piece of wood.

Back at the apartment, Jess is left with a giant bruise under her chin and doped up on pain medication. She’s so high, she doesn’t realize she admitted her feelings to Nick. Telling him in her adorable and Jess like way that she wanted to have sex with him! WHHHAAATT?! After a series of unfortunate events that left Nick with a black eye and a burned hand, Nick confides in Schmidt and Winston about Jess recent revelations and asks what he should do about Jess admitting that she wanted him, since he feels the same way. Just as they’re about to talk more, in walks Jess, not remembering a clue over what happened. 

Later that night, being the supportive friend she is, Jess shows up to Nick’s “guy’s night.” Realizing that “guy’s night” is a night at the bar where guys drink for free, she tells Nick that it’s a terrible idea because women won’t come. Obviously. Just then, Shane smacks Nick’s butt and kisses him. This throws Jess for a loop and understandably upset, she leaves the bar and goes home. Nick follows and straight out asks Jess if she wants to have sex with him. Well, Nick, don’t ask a direct question if you don’t want a direct answer because Jess says, “YES, NO, YES.” 2-YES, 1-NO. Yes wins people! Jess back pedals because of the awkward silence, but Nick gets them back to the important stuff. It is so ON with Nick and Jess. They go at it! They’re kissing and fighting! Then they’re on the kitchen table. Finally, Nick tells Jess, “Shut up and take off your clothes, right now and I mean it. Take off your clothes.” Excuse me while I take a moment to catch my breath.

Just when you think they’re about to go for it, Nick accidentally hits the giant fish tank Schmidt brought into the loft and water spills everywhere. Jess and Nick are so turned on and angry that they can’t even bring themselves to clean up the mess.

So tonight’s not the night we get Nick and Jess sex, but it has to be soon, right? The countdown to the season finale starts now.

Best “Schmidtisms”
“Love is a lie!”
“I don’t want some janky fresh water bitch fish, Winston.”
“Cece, the woman? You can’t put a woman in a fish tank Winston, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Not cool! Someone messes wit my boy, that means we mean BUINESS. We doin’ this?”
“Can we not call it walking through a door, because for me, it’s more like sliding past a drape.”
– WOW. 

Here’s a link to a great Buzzfeed article on the best Nick and Jess moments from last night:


New Girl – IT finally happened, the big Nick and Jess moment

If you’re a newbie like me, by now you’ve had time to take in all of the amazingness that happened last night between Nick and Jess. After watching and rewinding at least three times, I’m now fully ready to discuss. So let’s dive right in.

NICK AND JESS| Nick’s feeling extra special about himself because he’s got a new sexy coat women’s coat. So Nick, who’s feeling sexy in the women’s coat, Winston, who hasn’t gotten laid since Labor Day and Schmidt, who needs to spice things up decide to make it a “guy’s night.”

Jess wants to tag along because Cece’s going on a date “with some Indian guy” and Sam has the late shift. Nick won’t let her come because she’s his “cooler.” In a flashback, we see Jess tell Nick’s date she should be with her long time love. Yep, she’s his “cooler.” Jess entertain’ s herself by playing in her clothes and pretending to be a Olympic runner from Kenya, but scratching at the front door freaks her out. Jess calls Sam and Cece, but they both don’t answer the phone. She then calls Nick and asks him to come home. She’s being his “cooler” but she then tells him, “I need you.” Okay, how fucking adorable, sweet and cute! Of course that’s going to bring Nick home AND guess what? It works! The roommates head home along with new friends.

At boy’s night, the guys spot Brooklyn Decker a crazy who’s turned on by sadness. Nick and Jess discuss how she’s again become his “cooler.” But Jess tells Nick, “I am prepared to fix it, cause SON… I’m gonna get you LAID.” Some of my favorite moments are when Zooey Deschanel acts like she’s HARD.

Guess what ya’’ll?! “True American” is BACK! I have missed this game that’s completely impossible to understand and has the most random changing rules. This time we get Clinton, no cabinets and Abu Nazir. The game leads to half naked Schmidt, Jess, Nick and Holly sitting together. Nick and Schmidt get into a fight, so Jess says the only way to solve the sexual tension, arguing between Schmidt and Nick is to go into the room, close the door and kiss – with tongue. Jess’s plan backfires and she ends up in the room with Nick! Aww yea… It’s goin down!

With the rest of the roommates chanting they kiss, Nick and Jess are stuck in the room until they kiss. Nick seems to be overly freaking out about the situation, but Jess doesn’t think it’s a big deal – let’s just do it. They’re whole conversation about being a “tonguer,” Nick licking his lips, and counting down to kissing adds to how cute and awkward the whole situation has become. Nick and Jess have a moment talking about how Nick would be smoking hot if he just cleaned himself up a little bit… and just when you think that moment is going to lead to the kiss, Sam shows up – only he joins in on the pressure. Clearly, he doesn’t find Nick a threat. Why would he, Sam’s a hot, tall pediatrician. Nick’s a chubby bartender. Jess and Nick continue debating on whether or not to kiss, when Nick blurts out, “Not like this.” At this point ladies and gentlemen, I got sent back to being a teenage school girl. Nick freaked out over his revelation and climbed out on the window ledge. I couldn’t tell if his freak out was over what he just said to Jess or because he realized he was on the ledge of his building and he’s very high up. Regardless, the roommates understandably freaked out and Schmidt fainted.

NOW FOR THE BIG MOMENT: Schmidt had Holly, Winston had Daisy and Jess had Sam. As all the roommates went to bed, but in the middle of the night Jess heard the scratching again, so she woke up Nick. I don’t get why she didn’t have Sam check it out with her since he was in the one in bed with her, but whatever. It gave the excuse for the awesomeness that was about to happen. After realizing it was the neighbor’s dog, Nick and Jess headed back to bed separately. Only just as Jess was about to go into her room, Nick grabbed her arm and planted a HOT and I do mean HOT kiss on Jess. Like hard breathing, arms – it was a passionate kiss — one that left Jess in shock and horny.

WINSTON |This was a great episode for Winston. I’m glad to see him getting more screen time. His character has really come into his own and I like him. Winston’s having a hard time talking to women, mainly because he wants to get laid so badly. He starts talking to Daisy, a cute girl at the bar, but only because she says she’s already engaged – so no pressure. Daisy wants to help Winston with women. So she pushes up her boobs together and forces him to hit on her. Here Winston gives Schmidt a run for his money on the funny lines, “Hey gurl, what your name is?” “What that thang do?” The look on Daisy’s face was appropriate and so funny. At this moment, I think we can all agree we knew she wasn’t engaged and was on the road to being Winston’s new girlfriend.

Best “Schmidtisms”| Max Greenfield was in TOP FORM last night. He delivered some of the funniest Schmidt moments on New Girl.

“I’m over myself. I just don’t do it for me anymore. I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up.”

“Like a little bitch blankee.”

“Holly, look at these, these are my abs. It’s hard to believe that I used to be such a great big fat person. See where the fat used to be? It’s replaced with phantom fat. I can still feel it giggle.”

“I left something behind in the dessert that day, my faith in true love, and my future bi-racial child.”

So there you have it, the Nick and Jess kiss episode. Are you excited for what this new development holds for the show? I can’t wait to see how this affects the friendship between Nick and Jess.

“To the Races” – Nick’s con artist father makes his way to the loft. Dennis Farina guest stars as Nick’s dad and the reason for Nick’s problems. I found this whole sub plot to be boring. I keep saying this time and time again, but  I need Nick to GROW UP! He’s in his 30s right? Get a job, stop acting like a child. I don’t find this whole act cute anymore. Of course, Nick’s father would be lacking in parenting skills and a con artist who rips off Nick’s friends. Then sneaks out and leaves without saying goodbye to his son.

Meanwhile, Schmidt and Robbie scheme together to sabotage Cece’s focusing on marrying an Indian man. (“White guy Power” aka “Cool guy Power!”) No one can get behind White Power — especially when you’re chasing after a brown girl. How funny was it when Schmidt and Robbie went to Cece’s house and she was wearing a sari. Schmidt was angry because she never wore won for him – so they could act out his sari-related sex fantasies: Monsoon Bedding, the Best Erotic Maribone Hotel and Slumdoggy-style Millionaire. HAHAHA- typical hilarious Schmidt.

Turns out Cece was wearing her Sari because she had her apartment full of family members who were meeting the handsome eligible Indian bachelor before Cece and him could actually go out on a date. Do you guys think she’ll get back with Robbie before ultimately bring with Schmidt?

“Cabin” – Back in October New Girl creator Liz Meriwether said, Nick and Jess would end up F—ing, but Nick would marry someone else.” Well, let’s hope she as just kidding on the he’ll marry someone else portion of that comment, because I still love the idea of Nick and Jess. But as of now, I’m enjoying Jess and Sam.

Jess is packing for her weekend trip with Sam. She invites Nick and Angie because she’s nervous about spending time away alone with Sam and needs backup. At first Nick has no interest, but when he finds out the trip is free, he’s all about it.

Jess and Sam deal with their situation as adults while Nick and Angie are completely inappropriate. Angie finds a pair of rifles so the four of them decide to go outside and shoot some bottles. Unsurprisingly, Nick makes a fool of himself, by not hitting a single bottle. Jess decides she wants to try shooting the “boom stick” herself, but needs a back story. A made up story about an ex-boyfriend of Jess who didn’t appreciate her arts and crafts does the trick. Jess takes a shot, but ends up hitting the electric box, so they lose power.

Angie finds a bottle of absinthe and they all drink from the bottle….Oh…I can ALREADY see that this won’t end well. At All.

Meanwhile, Schmidt takes it upon himself to tackle black on black issues. Mainly, Winston not being “black enough.” I have to give props to Winston for taking this and running with it. He decides to teach Schmidt a lesson, by being “stereotypically black.” Winston tells Schmidt that they should go to the projects while he waits in the car and Schmidt find crack. Oh Schmidt. In a scene that should have been a lot funnier than it was, Schmidt invites a strange man into his car so he can buy crack off him. Kids, don’t ever, ever do this. It’s very unsafe.

Winston and Schmidt get home and argue over Schmidt’s ridiculous idea about Winston being black. They work it out and Winston asks for the millionth time if Schmidt wants frozen yogurt. Go get you’re yogurt Winston. Poor guy –that’s all he’s wanted all night.

Drunk Jess runs upstairs because she feels strongly about her bed missing. After Nick follows her upstairs to check on her, Angie makes an odd comment about him “handling that.” At this point I’m a little confused on where she’s going, but I start to realize that Angie thinks they’re going to switch partners. Oh Angie, Jess is so not that person –she doesn’t swing. Nick tells Angie that he has feelings for her and he would appreciate her not hitting on Jess’s boyfriend. All seems fine, until she dips in the middle of the night. Bye Olivia Munn.

My favorite Schmidt quotes of the night:

“White Nick, brown Cece, I would like to have a frank discussion about race. Do you think we’re allowing Winston to be his blackest self?”

“I just feel bad, you’re forced to live here with Jess and Nick… I mean their honkey as hell.”

“Fluffer” – Are Jess and Nick really more than friends? Schmidt pretends to be a Romney

Sam is spending the night with Jess. He’s come over for a booty call but Jess doesn’t know how to have meaningless sex with someone she has no intention of having a relationship with. Enter Nick! He’s there to be her “fluffer” but should he really be her the guy who has all of the boyfriend responsibilities with the benefits? Nick and Jess decide that they have a different kind of relationship and want to continue that. Regardless of what the other roommates may think. Oy, when are they going to bone already?

Meanwhile, Schmidt somehow gets it in his head that he wants to be bestie’s with Kanye. See…it’s after labor day and Schmidt’s rocking a belt with pink whales on it. Kanye wore the same belt and he feels they would be the best of friends! Okay, Schmidt…If Kanye appears on New Girl, I swear to God he will officially be a sellout. Schmidt heard of a party Kanye is performing so he bails on dinner with Nick and Jess. He takes Winston with him, so when he runs into Kanye he’ll see Schmidt has black friends. In order to get into the party, Schmidt lies and says he’s Tug Romney. Well, this trick works and they get in! A cute girl overheard Tug Romney is at the party and in order to eventually get into her pants, Schmidt continues this charade.

Here are my picks for the “Schmidtisms” of the night:

“Okay, all knowing Indian God Genesia.”

“You were the only one I could talk to. Being brown, you have the wisdom of 1000 white girls.”

“Sometimes I just wish I had a little solo tug time.”

New Girl returns and I’m so very happy! Over the summer I’ve missed Schmidt’s fast talking bougie idiosyncrasies,Nick’s lack of ambition, Jess’s fantastic hipster glasses (Where does she find them?!) and Winston – whose’ s just there, but serves his purpose. It’s the “Re-launch” of New Girl and the roommates are back in full swing!

ImageTo get things started off, Jess has overslept and is late for work. She hopes out of bed and quickly gets ready, but not before being stopped by Schmidt who needs his ass scratched. You might be asking yourself, “Why does he need help scratching his own ass?” Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because he’s wearing a giant shower diaper. Remember last season he sprained his penis? Well he’s still wearing his cast and can’t get it wet.

But his cast will soon be removed and in honor of the event, he’s going to host a “re-branding party.” The theme is to be announced at a later date, but Nick and Winston assume it will be “danger.” I’m thinking they’re probably on to something considering how predictable Schmidt can be.

ImageBefore they can get the party started, Jess gets some bad news at work. There are cutbacks and Tanya, the school principal played by the awesome Rachael Harris is forced to let go 10% of her non-tenured staff. There’s more bad news, Jess is one of them.  But hey, she’s letting Jess go wearing a sombrero and gets a tiny silver top hat to take home, so Jess can’t possibly take the news that hard, can she?

Back at the apt, Schmidt’s penis cast has officially been removed and it’s time to get his “re-branding” party started! Jess comes home to let the boys know she’s been laid off, but is surprising calm about the situation. She gets to hang around the house and her boobs don’t have to go to boob jail. (Amen to that sister! My friends and I often joke about how amazing it is to come home and take off your bra. It feel good. It feel reaaalll good!)

Jess decides that since she’s got so much time on her hands, she wants to be one of Schmidt’s shot girls! However, she’s got some interference from Nick because he doesn’t think Jess has the, “Specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot.” (Oh no he didn’t!! Watch what you say Nick because we all know you’re going to be madly in love with Jess by the fourth season).

Well, Jess is going to take Nick up on his challenge and at Schmidt’s “re-branding” party she is dressed in a costume most chicks reserve for Halloween and she’s put that tiny top hat to use. (Side Note: The theme of the party is….. DANGER!)  She explains to Nick, that tonight she’s going to be “Ivy who’s studying to be an actress and will sleep with you if you give her a part in a Paramount picture.” She says all of this in what I can only guess is her impression of Marilyn Monroe.  Image

Oh look, it’s crazy Casey, played by Parker Posey. She’s a shot girl too. To a surprise to no one, Jess isn’t a very good shot girl. But, darn it, she’s giving it her best shot. (See what I did there?) After getting “yelled” at by Nick, she decides to dance on the bar. But, realizes, it’s not who she is anImaged leaves the party.

Nick sees her leaving and somehow realizes she’s going to sulk in front of school she was just fired from and he follows her there. I swear this always amazes me about television. How characters always seem to know where other characters are going. When you’re having a bad day and take off, do your friends or significant other just mysteriously show up where you are, without so much as a phone call? I don’t get it. Anyway, they have a sweet heart-to-heart which makes me want to see them get together sooner rather than later.

Other things that happen during the episode: Schmidt finally sees Cece face to face after dumping her last summer. We learn that she hasn’t returned any of his phone calls. Well, duh! You dumped her because you were insecure about yourself and she was falling in love with you. What was a huge shock to Schmidt and I’ll admit to myself, was what her new boyfriend Robbie looked like. Cece went from dating hot model dudes to a guy ANY girl would turn down. Guurl, what game are you playin’ here?

In reference to Schmidt’s utter confusion and in an effort to win Cece back, he pulled out what it was he had “up his sleeve” and it’s playing with fire. Didn’t we learn not to do this in the 3rd grade? He freaks out, rightfully so… because he can’t stop himself from twirling the fire chains and warns people they may want to begin exiting the building. A few people run for their lives, but most stay and watch. I definitely would have been part of the few to flee. After Schmidt and Cece have a post break up chat, she explains that her new BF is “just a nice guy” and that Schmidt “will be fine.”

ImageHere are my picks for the “Schmidtisms” of the night:

“He’s working with a real piece of pipe.” — While trying to figure out what Cece see’s in her new boyfriend.

“It’s definitely real fire. I’m very apologetic. I think everyone should leave.” — Again, why didn’t more people run for their lives?

ImageOn the “Katie” episode, Jess has been out of work for a week and has decided to just role with it. She’s even making breakfast for the roommates. Jess follows Nick to work, because she’s a girl without a job and can drink wine at 11am in the morning if she wants to. She’s charmingly flirting with two of Nick’s co-workers. One’s a hottie and one is, well, not. After they leave Jess decides that she wants to spend all of her free time boning the hottie and asks Nick to give him her phone number. At this point of the show, it’s very clear Nick has made the wrong assumption on who Jess wants to have the sex with and he’s going to give her number to the short fat dude. Oh well!

Meanwhile Schmidt and Winston are back at the loft and Winston announces his mom and sister are in town for a visit. This brings up Schmidt’s concern because he doesn’t think Winston’s mom likes him. According to Schmidt, Historically speaking, [he’s] like cat nip to tough talking African-American women. “It’s cause I don’t front – Na mean.”  Schmidt bumps into Winston’s hot sister who’s now a pro basketball player in their kitchen and decides he wants to have sex with her. She’s not giving it up so he wants to play for sex. She wins!

Jess is still having a morning drink when the dude from Bent mistakes her for a girl named “Katie.” He’s tall, hot and has a great set of hair so Jess decides to go with it. They talk for a little while and then begin to mall each other at a table which leads to the best sex of Jess’s life. Good for you gurl! A hottie who knows how to lay it down! The only problem Jess is having is that he thinks her name is Katie. Oh wait, make that two problems because one of Nick’s co-workers has texted Jess and she wants to juggle two men. Can she do it? Men have been playing women for centuries, can Jess date and sleep with two guys at once. Jess invites who she thinks is the hot one over to the loft, but the short fat one shows up much to Jess’s surprise but not to the viewers at home. She’s too nice a person to kick him out, even though that’s really what she wants to do. UNTIL, she gets a call from the “best sex” of her life and rushes out to go have sex with him in a bathroom.

Things don’t end well here, because she gets caught having sex in the bathroom by the date she just left, the hottie who she really wanted her number to be given to and Nick. Hot Bent dude learns her name isn’t really Katie. Just when things look like she’s going to miss out on more sexy time with Bent dude, he shows up at her apartment and tells her he doesn’t’ care what her name is because he doesn’t really want to get to know her, just continue to have hot sex!

Elsewhere Nick meets a bar patron who claims to be him from the future. LAME!!! Guess what? Turns out the guy is just a homeless crazy person.

 Here are my picks for the “Schmidtisms” of the night:

“Jess, I believe the word you’re looking for is frittata.”

“Good, good, cause “Very impressive, pro ball. Women’s pro, but still”

“Charmin, Charmin! The loft just became Big Mama’s house!”

“Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this prison?”  — This one causes Schmidt to put cash in the douche bag jar, which has gotten very full. When are they going to divide that money up?

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